Post #6….A Man Will Always Claim That He “Knows” What He Is Doing Even If He Hasn’t Got a Clue!

Now before any of you men read this, let me preface it by saying that I love men. This is not to bash you in any way, but to just point out a few areas that may need a little work. I think that you have many great strengths and talents, and I know that I couldn’t live without you. It is also hard living with you, but I am sure that you could say the same thing about us women.

After living with a man for over 23 years, I have learned there are a few subjects that you just don’t bring up to talk about.

1. Questioning a man if he is lost, or if he will stop and ask for directions. Answer will be “no”, that he knows where he is going, he just wanted to take you on the scenic route.

2. If they ask you if their hair is going thin on top, avoid answering at all costs. Pretend that you didn’t actually hear him ask you that question, or plead the 5th.

3. Don’t mention the waist line. Men tend to get rounder, while for a woman our whole body just completely drops! The face, boobs, butt, etc. It all basically hangs down around your
knees. I know I digress for a few moments, but women there are a few hints I have figured out on how to camouflage those areas to trick the eye. First of all you get a good
“Wonder” bra, because you wonder where they went. A great pair of Spanx will hike up your butt into the correct position it should be in, and can also help hold your stomach in.
But alas, I am still working on how to “lift” the face. I found these little patches that you can put on your eyelids to help them look like they are not sagging, but then I realized
that I would have to use a whole package every day to hold up the rest of my face. And my last suggestion is to wear clothes, they really go a long way to hide a multitude of
sins!

4. My last thing that you do not bring up to a man is to try to tell him how to “fix” something. A perfect example of this is when Rob and I were first married. The tail light went
out in the back of the car, and we needed to replace the bulb. Now I have always been pretty handy at fixing things, but much as I love Rob that has never been his forte. I was going
to offer him a suggestion, when he informed me that he had everything under control. So I went back in the house, and left him to it. I’d say about a half and hour later
went by, when he told me that he needed to go to Sears to get a socket set. I wasn’t exactly sure what he needed it for, but away he went to get one. A little while later when I
looked out the window again to see how he was progressing, I was most alarmed when I saw that he had practically dismantled the whole back-end of the car. I went out there, and told
him please could I just show him one thing. He said okay, so I took a flathead screwdriver popped the back cover off the tail light, and sure enough there was the bulb that needed
replacing. I quietly walked back into the house while he changed the bulb, and put the car back together.

But I will say that over the years Rob has gotten much handier, and is a lot better at fixing things. But what he lacks in not always being very handy, he makes up in so many
different ways, and is a wonderful husband and father. I will admit though when our son Joel wanted to take auto mechanics, I was a bit concerned with him having to use a blow torch,
plasma cutter, ect.  But fortunately he got his dad’s brains, and my handy dandy skills, so the combination of the two of us has worked out beautifully, and he is doing fantastic in his
class. I guess that what I am trying to say that it is okay for you guys not to know everything, and to feel free to ask for help once in a while. I sure won’t think any less of you. 🙂

Written by Kim Carlisle

Post #5….A Guide For Men On How To Propose, But Maybe Skip Walking Down The Aisle!

Now you would think that after all our misadventures throughout our dating history, what in the world would have possessed me to agree to marry this man!  And oh, I forgot to tell you one of the best parts.. that all-encompassing romantic proposal.  Ours went something like this.  After we had gone to the play and had established that we were “just friends”, we were driving back to my house one night in his truck.  Before I hopped out he said that he was going to kind of miss me because we had been having a lot of fun together, and he was getting ready to leave and be stationed somewhere else.  I said I was going to miss him too, when he said, “Well, will you’?  And I said, “Will I what”?  And he said would I marry him.  Well, I told him I didn’t know about that, and would have to think about it.  So after thinking long and hard, I called him back and said I would.  So we went and picked out my engagement ring, and went to a baseball game that night which was fine with me because I loved baseball.  But he told me that the next day he had a surprise for me.  Now most people when they celebrate their engagement do so by going out to dinner at a nice restaurant or something like that, but not us no…we went white water rafting with a bunch of his navy buddies.  And when they say sailors can swear, they are not joking!  There were words I had never heard before, and I was glad that half the time I had water in my ears; but certainly not the best impression that I wanted to make to all his friends.  Here he was introducing me as his fiancé, and I was looking like a drowned rat!

Right after we got engaged he left for Rhode Island, and was there for the whole time that we were engaged.  I did fly out once in October to visit him, and he thought it would be a great idea to go camping up in Maine.  Now I am as tough as the next girl, but men this is where you may even lose the most devoted of fiance’s.  I told him fine, I would go if I had a soft place to sleep on, and a hot shower.  He told me no problem.  He had even gotten me a present.  I was pretty excited until he handed it to me, it was a brand new sleeping bag.  Now men I will give you a little hint.  Most women want clothes, shoes, perfume, jewelry, and if you can’t come up with anything on your own,they will love a gift card so that they can go out and buy the thing that they really want themselves.  But since Rob was new at this game, he could not quite understand why I was not as excited as he was about all of its nifty features.

So we headed out, not bringing much with us because we could “live off the land”.  I was with an “experienced” camper!  The one critical thing he forgot to check was the weather.  The forecast was for snow.  The wood we collected for the fire was wet so we couldn’t get a fire going, and since I was frozen we decided to call it a night and crawled into our sleeping bags.  Only he had forgotten the air mattress, so it was like sleeping on rocks.  But I was trying to be a good sport, and boy was I looking forward to that hot shower in the morning.  I got up, went into the bathroom, but didn’t see any shower stalls.  I did see some spigots outside, and figured that was it.  I got my hair all lathered up, and was getting ready to rinse, when out of the spigot came freezing ice water.  I have very thick hair, and it doesn’t rinse quickly.  I didn’t even condition, but by the time I had rinsed my hair, my head was blue, my hands were blue, and I was not a happy camper!

I went back to our “campsite” and told Rob to take me back to Rhode Island now.  I also told him that I thought that our ideas of fun were very different and that maybe we shouldn’t get married.  But that sweet guy (who actually did have an opportunity to run away from getting married), because believe you me he saw me at my worst, bundled me up in my sleeping bag, cranked up the heater, and drove all day and most of the night to get me back.  I thought a guy who cares about me that much when I’m that cranky, must be the one for me.  So he flew in the week of the wedding, we got married, went on our honeymoon, and then he went out to sea for a few months while I went back to work.  Then I drove all by myself from the West Coast to Virginia to meet his ship coming into port, and our journey began.

Written by Kim Carlisle

Post #4….Never “Mess” With A Red-Head

           For those  who know me as a” sweet” and “kind” person, please don’t read this. But there are times when you do have to defend yourself, and when you are as small   as I am there are not many options open to you. Now you would think that I would be at somewhat of a disadvantage living in this house full of testosterone, but actually that is not the case since from the beginning I have laid down a few ground rules…you might even say that they are a little  afraid of me after the things I have shared with them of things that I have done to people in the past who have tried to “mess” with me.

A few examples I could not share with them, but here are some of them that I did. Now first and foremost I have always had a few motto’s when pulling a practical joke.

1. Don’t get even, get ahead.

2. Don’t tell too many people (especially girls) because they will rat you out.

3. Don’t hurt anyone or their property, or give out too much personal information.

The first example that I shared with them was while I was dating Rob, he had this cocky room-mate (Bryan, you know who you are). One day while we were eating, Bryan put ice down my shirt. I told him that I would get even with him for doing that, and he was like “Oh yeah, what are YOU going to do to me”! Well this is exactly what I did. He had this brand new car that was his baby, that he adored. He had put everything into that car that he had wanted. So I took out a want ad in the paper to sell it. I just put, “moving, must sell new car”…added all the specs of the car, and for quite some time he couldn’t figure out why he kept getting calls, and offers for his car that was for sale. 🙂

The other examples I shared with my guys was a few things I had done to my boss. Now I am sure that I could have filed for sexual harassment, but I thought I would rather take care of things myself. Everyday, he would ask me to get him a Dr. Pepper. After awhile it does get a little old, so one day I poured out most of the Dr. Pepper, and filled it up with prune juice. He didn’t seem to notice as he guzzled it down, but I am quite sure that on that day he was quite regular.

The one other thing that I did to that poor man I thought he also rather deserved. He was extremely good looking (and knew it), and always had to smell good. He would always spritz his expensive cologne on himself before meeting with a new client. Now why would I take umbrage to that? Normally I wouldn’t, but just about every day he would come up behind me and give me a football bump. He didn’t do it to anyone else, but me. So I figured since I was really good friends with his secretary, I could use that to my advantage.

One day after work she let me into his office. I had gotten this most God awful smelling women’s cheap perfume that was the same color as his expensive cologne. I dumped out his cologne, and refilled the bottle to the same exact level that it was at. The next morning, he was getting ready for a new client to come in, and sprayed that awful women’s perfume all over him and his office.  I swear it smelled like a women’s bordello!  He came flying out of his office wondering who had done it, never guessing it was me, because I was just so sweet and quiet.

So you see, I have my men quite well trained….that you never “mess” with a red-head no matter her size, because she usually will win! 😉

written by Kim Carlisle

Post #3….Your “Headlights” Are Crooked

    This is not for the squeamish, uppity, or for those who feel that they are better than everyone else.  All the rest can read on.  I recently went to the doctor, and at the end of my visit, he handed me a referral form to go and have a mammogram done.  I looked at him and asked if he really realized what he was asking me to do, and proceeded to explain to him what had taken place at my last one.

As most of you women know, you get put through a series of torture devices before the doctor comes in to talk to you.  After the first series of tests I was placed in a room to wait, when in walked this young, most gorgeous hunk of a man who I had ever seen.  I asked him if the doctor was coming in soon, when he proceeded to tell me that he was the doctor.  Now, I like a practical joke as much as the next person, but  personally I thought that I was being punked!

After we had sorted out that he was going to examine me, I told him that he really was in the wrong line of work.  He really ought to be working on feet, or in the OR where we could be asleep while he examined us, because he put us at a terrible disadvantage.

Having thus established where we stood, I told him that I was just going to pretend that he was a mechanic, and I was a car.  I knew that he must have worked on many, many cars.  I tried to explain to him how in life there were Ferrari’s, Lexxus LFA’s, and many other luxury vehicles, but there were also Pinto’s and Mini-Vans, and since having kids that I was in that latter category!  I did try to warn him ahead of time that my “headlights” were a little off, so that he would not be alarmed when he saw them.

After doing several embarrassing tests with him, he stood back, stroked his chin, and proceeded to tell me that yes, one “headlight” was a little off from the other. I quickly informed him that since I had no plans of posing as a nude centerfold any time soon, that I really did not see that as an occupational hazard since my hubby seemed perfectly satisfied.  I told him that I appreciated his concern, but since I did not see a pink slip forthcoming any time soon, I thought I had plenty of job security.

He busted out laughing, and told me that I seemed to be a handful, so I smiled back at him and told him that my husband said the same thing, a handful was all he needed to make him happy.

He started laughing harder, and told me that he should have told me that I was fiesty. He did tell me that I had made his day by giving him such a good laugh, and for me to please try and behave myself.  As if I don’t always! 🙂

The moral of my story is that there are always going to be uncomfortable situations in life, but if you try and address them with humor, sometimes it does help.  And I am hoping for my next mammogram that I get an old guy with cataracts!!

by Kim Carlisle

Post #2….You Did Say What?!

    Now you would think after our disastrous first date, (you need to read my first post on “How to make a disastrous impression on a first date” to fully understand this post) that Rob would have gone to great lengths and pulled out all the stops in order to impress me for our second date.  And so I thought he had when he called and asked me out to dinner, and then a show.  Not a movie, but a real live musical show.

I got all gussied up in some really nice dress slacks, a blouse, and of course high heels.  Heels should be a staple in every woman’s closet!

He picked me up, and we set off.  When we pulled up and I got out of the car, I realized that something was terribly wrong.  My butt was soaking wet.  I was extremely embarrassed, and told him that I did not feel as if I had wet my pants, but that they were indeed incredibly wet, and I just couldn’t understand what had happened.

All of the sudden he got this sheepish grin on his face, and suddenly remembered how he and his buddies had gone to the lake earlier that day.  He of course, had given them a ride home in their wet swimming trunks.  Oh, and you guessed it, they had sat in my seat on the ride home!

I asked him to walk right behind me into the restaurant, and I quickly went in the ladies restroom, removed my pants, and held them under the hand dryer trying to get them as dry as possible.  I did get quite a few curious looks.

They were still a bit damp throughout dinner and the show, but hey on the bright side at least I had survived the date with everything intact, and nothing broken!  As the show came to a close they were doing a survey on the back of the program, and after everything that I had gone through and endured with this man…he had the gall to put down that we were “just friends”. Really?!

by Kim Carlisle

Post #1….How To Make A Disastrous Impression On A First Date !

    My husband and I have been married for over 23 years now, and as I look back, it’s a wonder we ever did get together in the first place!  I think the secret to our relationship lasting this long is because we truly are best friends, and I have a great respect for the person he is, but I digress….

When we first met, I thought that he was a very nice guy, but not my type.  We were totally opposite from one another, but became friends and started doing a few things together.  He invited me to drive up to watch the hot air balloon races near the Grand Tetons in Wyoming.  For those of you who ski, I am sure that you have heard of the Grand Teton mountains, for those of you who don’t ski, they are really, really big mountains.

We got up super early ( I mean really, really early ), drove up, saw the hot air balloons, and then enjoyed the picnic lunch that I had packed.  We were ready to call it a day and head home, when he said a friend of his had told him about a really beautiful walk around a trail near there, and that it would only take a few minutes.  I told him I thought that would be nice, and also give us a chance to stretch our legs before the long drive home.

As we suddenly found ourselves clawing up the side of the mountain, and I saw a sign that read….”Danger, cliff area” , there seemed to be some small, subtle clue that something had gone awry.  I posed a small question to him asking if we were lost.  Now as you know there is not a man I have found yet that likes to give you a straight answer to that question.  His answer was pretty much the same, as he explained to me that we might have missed a small trail, but if we just kept on going we would get there.

I wasn’t quite sure where “there” was, as we seemed to be headed all the way to the top of the mountain.  Our initial “walk” was just supposed to be around a trail that looped “horizontally”, not “vertically”.  We eventually completed our vertical climb ( notice that I said “climb”, not “walk” ), and were standing on the top of the mountain.  He was gushing over the gorgeous view, while I was just gushing with sweat pouring down everywhere.  My fingernails were all broken, I was filthy dirty, and I am quite sure that the view of me was not quite as impressive.

Nevertheless, he assured me that there was “good news”.  Since we had made it all the way to the top of the mountain, we could just ride the ski lift down.  I was ecstatic!  I did not want to make that trek all the way back down.  We got in line with the rest of the other people to ride the lift down, when the guy asked us for our “ticket”.  Apparently to ride the ski lift down, you have to sign a form at the bottom of the hill and ride it up.  I will give you just one guess on how we got back down!

I can tell you by the time we got down, and back into the car, I was thinking definitely not even “potential” boyfriend material.  It was a very long ride home, and at first very silent.  Then we finally started talking, and found out that we had similar values, dreams, and goals.  I thought maybe he wasn’t quite so bad after all, and anyone can make one small simple mistake.  I thought I would give him a second chance, so when he called to take me out to dinner and a show, I said sure.  Little then did I know what was in store for me on date two…..

by Kim Carlisle